Baby Bumps - A Story of Infertility

Hello! Yes, it's been a while since my last blog. I lost the spark there for a little while but I'm back!

I wanted to write today about an issue that my husband, Matt, and I have been facing now for 19 long months--infertility. Yes, unfortunately, Matt and I have been trying for a sweet little Ward baby for over a year and a half with no success. It's been a long process and a VERY emotional one but it's one that I feel that I can finally write about. I want to share our story with you so that when a child does come into our lives, we can give the full glory to God.  It will not have been anything that he or I or our doctor will have done. It will be God's doing alone. I am completely open to the fact that a child may come into our lives via adoption and this thought excites me! After all, wasn't it God who adopted all of us to be His children? Doesn't He love us just as much as He loves Jesus? Yes! He does! We're not ruling out having a child of our own but we're starting to look into different options.  But first, let me share a little bit of our story with you.

We started trying for a baby on February 14, 2011. Yes, Valentine's Day. How appropriate, right? We had been married 9 months and we had been together at that point for three years. We were ready to start trying. The thought made us giddy, excited, nervous, and thrilled all at the same time. We felt like God had put into both of our hearts that we wanted to be parents.  We had decided a few nights before that we were going to start trying on Valentine's Day. We thought that would be a fun and cool day to get the baby making process going. Looking back, I think Matt and I thought it would happen that very night. I didn't know nearly as much as I do now about what it takes to actually conceive a child, but nevertheless, we thought it would happen immediately. Well, it didn't. It didn't happen that night or the next or any of the nights that followed for the next year. There were times when I thought I might be pregnant. My period would be a few days late so I would hop in my car and rush over to CVS and buy a pregnancy test. At first, I would buy the most expensive brands. I wanted to MAKE SURE that the test I was buying was the real deal. I'd rush home, take the test, and wait those long two minutes. I'd sometimes close my eyes and hold my breath and think that when I'd open my eyes, two pink lines would be waiting for me. However, they never came and my period would show up sometimes only hours later. I would be crushed. As the months went by, I became more and more frustrated. I knew that God's timing was perfect and I kept this fact in the front of my mind. However, it still didn't keep the disappointment at bay.  A friend of mine lent me a book on fertility and I would read the chapters on what I could do to up my fertility chances. I started taking my temperature and logging it, checking my body for certain signs and charting my periods. At the time, I was only sharing our story with a few close people ( a few friends and my sister) and some of them would give me all kinds of suggestions: "Try putting a pillow under your butt when you have sex," "Put your feet on the headboard so the little guys can swim," "Don't get up for thirty minutes after you're done!" So....after we'd do the baby dance, I would have my feet on the headboard with a pillow under me and I'd lay there for thirty minutes. I eventually got smart and put a radio beside my bed. However, I still wasn't getting pregnant. I had read that it sometimes took couples about six months to a year to get pregnant so at the time, I wasn't really too concerned. I was mainly just confused as to why it wasn't happening.  I just figured we weren't hitting the right date. As a year of trying approached, I knew it was time to talk to my OBGYN about what we were experiencing.

In February of 2012, I was scheduled for my yearly GYN appointment. I asked Matt to go with me so that he could help me talk to my doctor about what we had been going through for the last year. I wanted Matt there to help me discuss with our doctor what we had tried and I wanted him to be there in case our doctor had anything important to tell us. As I was waiting for my doctor to come in, I began going through the questions in my head that I wanted to ask him. However, when he came in the door, my mind went blank and my head started to run all kinds of thoughts together. I mean, come on, it's hard to really think about fertility questions when you know you're about to be violated by a practical stranger. After my exam was over, he asked if we had any problems or concerns. Now was the time! I told him how we had been trying for a year exactly and that we had had no luck in getting pregnant. I must have talked non-stop for five or six minutes! After I finished spilling my thoughts I stared at him waiting for a response. He simply nodded and said that sometimes it takes couples a while to get pregnant but usually, there is nothing to worry about. He suggested that the first thing we should do is get Matt's little guys looked at. I was FINE with that! Yes, let's do Matt first! Sucker! We scheduled a date and got Matt set up with the lab. Boy, was he nervous! Have ya ever seen the movies where the guy goes in a room full of PlayBoys and dirty videos and he's given a nice clean place to do his business? Well, that's not how it happened. They shoved Matt in a bathroom and locked the door. Poor guy. Not sure how he succeeded but he gave the people what they needed and shamefully went back to work. Did I mention that he works at McLeod and knew half the people in the lab? The things ya do for love, right?

A few days later, we got a call from the lab and we were told that Matt's little soldiers were all marching to the right tune! Yay! We knew that it would be harder to fix a fertility problem with Matt then it would be to fix a fertility problem with me. So...we were happy and thanked God for this blessing. Matt was struttin' around the house like a cock in a hen house! (No pun intended)

The happy feeling was short lived for me though. It dawned on me that if Matt was fine....then something was wrong with....me. A sickening feeling hit my stomach. What could it be? Did I have eggs? Was I ovulating at all? Were my ovaries broken for lack of a better word? I called my doctor back and we scheduled a lab test to get my hormone levels checked. If there is a hormonal imbalance, it can be hard to get pregnant. We had to do the lab test on day 21 of my cycle so I had to wait a little while. In the meantime, life went on as usual. We worked, we hung out with friends, we slept, we ate, we sexed, we slept. Repeat. Day 21 arrived and I showed up to the lab to have my blood drawn. I gave a blood sample and was told it would be another 3-4 days before I would get results. *SIGH* I went on about my business and finally got a call a few days later from my doctor's nurse. It went something like this....
"Hi, may I speak to Mary Katherine (Yes, that's my real name) Ward please?"
"This is she....."
"Hi! This is _________ from Dr. _____________(Respecting this Doctor's privacy) Office. I just wanted to let you know that all of your levels are fine."
"Oh....REALLY? I just find that hard to believe because both Dr. _____________ and I thought my progesterone level would be off"
"Oh.....um....did you test on day 21?"
"Yes."
"OH.....um....I think Dr. ________________ forgot about that. Let me show your chart to him again and I'll tell him this was day 21. We'll call you back." --HANGS UP

............what the crap............

I'm sorry but this was strike one for me. This doctor ORDERS a day 21 lab for me and fails to make a note of it in my chart. I'm not one to usually question people of higher education but I'm glad I did in this case because this is the phone call I got a few hours later....

"Hi, Mrs. Ward?"
"Hi. Yes."
"Yes, Dr. __________looked at your levels again and evaluated them at day 21 levels and we need you to come in for a visit."
"Oh...why? What's going on?"
"Well, your progesterone level is very low and he just wants to talk with you."

We scheduled an office visit for a week later. Ah...more waiting.

After this phone call, I asked Matt to come sit outside with me. I told him about the phone calls I received and told him that something might be off because of my progesterone levels. I also discussed with him how disappointed I was with the way that the phone calls went. I felt like it was a bit slack on the doctor's part for not noting my day 21 levels. Again, I'm not one to usually question doctors but if I had not....who knows where I would be now? I would have gone on about my way thinking that everything was fine.

A week went by and I asked my sister to come with me to my doctor's appointment. My sister is a nurse, my best friend, and a strong support for me. I go to her about everything. She was one of the first people I told when we started trying. I knew she would be happy for us and would by supportive of us 100% of the way. She's one of my biggest fans. Being a nurse and a mother of three, she also knows questions to ask about fertility that I don't. So...she tagged along. We waited in my doctor's actual office for what seemed like forever. We joked about how he was probably looking at somebody's else's hoo-hah just then and that's what was taking so long. He finally walked in with his tea glass in his hand and sat down. "So what can I do for you today?"he asked.

"Um...I dunno. You asked me here." I half-heartedly joked.
  He smiled....half-heartedly.

*Katie get it together* I thought. "Well, your nurse said you wanted to talk about my low progesterone levels." I said

He sat up in his chair, flipped open my chart, looked for about 1 second and flipped my chart closed. "Yes, you're progesterone level at day 21 was 0.06.

"Whoa..." my sister said.

My head swished to my doctor to my sister and back to my doctor.

"What does that mean?" I asked

"Well, a normal progesterone level at day 21 is about a 15 or a 16. You're under 1. That's extremely low. You're almost depleted of progesterone."

"And that means...." I said with frustration rising in my voice. I'm not a nursing major people! I don't know what these things mean! Put your damn tea glass down and talk to me!

"It means that you're not ovulating." He says rocking back and forth in his chair.

"Oh my gosh. Wow." Yep, that's all I could muster. My mind went blank. I wasn't ovulating all this time. For a whole year, I wasn't releasing eggs. No wonder I couldn't get pregnant. There was no cover for Matt's soldier to take refuge in!

"So, what should she do from here?" My sister asked. Thank God she was there. I was staring at my doctor with my jaw on the floor.

"Well, I'm going to put her on Femara."
He went on to explain that this is like "Clomid on steroids" but you don't have the risk of having twins. It's actually a medicine given to breast cancer patients so they won't get cancer again but it apparently can be used for fertility too.

*Katie...hello...Katie! Talk!* "Oh, so um.....what... I mean....do you think we should do an ultrasound first? I almost wonder if I have polycystic ovarian syndrome because my periods have been kind of whacky lately and I've had some cramping in my ovaries a bit over the last year. I mean this would make sense too since I am not ovulating."

"PCOS is a possibility but I don't think an ultrasound is necessary right now. We'll just start the Femara and see where we are in 3-6 months."

*Heart sinks* 3-6 MORE months of trying! --Stopping point---Yes, I should have been pleased that we were taking a step forward, but at this point, I couldn't see a lot of positives. Call it what you want but I still felt like something wasn't right.

After our meeting, I walked with my sister to the elevator in silence.

"Well, what do you think?" Asks my sister. She knows something is wrong. We just get each other that way.

I fall apart in tears. "Paige, he wants to put me on a drug that we don't even know will work because he hasn't done an ultrasound to make sure everything inside is WORKING! I don't know if I can go 3-6 MORE months of fruitless attempts at trying to conceive a child. He isn't communicating hardly at all with me and I just don't know what to do or think right now! I feel like something is wrong and he won't even order me an ultrasound!"

"Stay positive. He ordered this medicine for you because he truly thinks it will work! I know a girl who went on it and she got pregnant! Think on the positive side! You can't go into this medicine thinking that it will fail."

*Sniff* "Yeah...guess you're right."
__________________________________________________________

Two months go by. It is now April 2012.  The medicine makes me have hot flashes to where I am sweating almost all the time. I'm moody, irritable, grouchy, and probably just down right witchy. I cry because I don't feel good. My boobs hurt constantly, I'm always burning up, and my hormones are RAGING. Matt has come to call my fits of irritability the "moodies." Bless him. It's a wonder I didn't throw a plate at him during those two months. It's a wonder he even wanted to sleep in the same bed with me much less try for a baby. Despite taking the medicine like I should, I didn't get pregnant. There was one time that my period was late and I went to the dollar store to buy a PT. I remember waiting for the test and closing my eyes and praying that it would be positive. "Please Lord, please. Let it be positive. I will love this child so so much. I'll raise him or her to love and honor you....just please."

.....It was negative. I threw the test in the trash and left the bathroom." I don't think I can do this anymore.  Something has gotta give." These were the thoughts that ran through my mind.

Around this time, it was Spring Break for HPK. My mom and I left for Texas to see my cousin, Brittany. We had a GREAT time. It was a much needed break. The day before I left, my sister texted me suggesting that I switch to a different doctor in the practice that I go to. She said that she talked to this particular doctor and he was amazed that my doctor had not ordered an ultrasound. He said that is usually the FIRST thing that doctors will do when dealing with patients with infertility issues. She asked me to really think about it and to consider switching. It doesn't take me long to decide that a switch is what I really need.

When I get back to Florence I switch to a new doctor. My first appointment with him was wonderful. He actually TALKED TO ME for forty minutes! We went through my entire chart and discussed what had been done and what steps should be taken. I told him that I couldn't take Femara anymore. My body just couldn't take it. So, he respected that and took me off. He wanted to start me with a clean slate. I was so thankful for that.

Unfortunately, one of the topics I hate the most came up during the appointment- my weight. Yes, I am aware that I am thick. I have curves, I have boobs, and I have a booty. I blame it on my grandma....just kidding. But seriously, I have thick girl genes in me somewhere and I like to cook....and eat....and did I mention that I hate exercise? He told me that being overweight can affect my chances of conceiving and that losing just even 5% of my body fat can increase my chances of conceiving. I got that sick feeling in my stomach again. Ughhhhh....losing weight.....the thought of it......exercise.....gym....running.....diet food......BABY. OKAY! LET'S DO THIS! I had a little spark of hope in me. We also scheduled my ULTRASOUND that day! Can I get an AMEN!? I was feeling really good. I had asked EVERY question under the sun and he had actually talked TO me and WITH me. As we were wrapping up, he stopped me.

"I know what you're going through." He said. "My wife struggled with infertility for a couple of years. I know the ups and downs you go through and how hard it is and how much it hurts."

"Dr. _______..." I said with tears welling up

"It's hard. We were at the point where we were filling out adoption papers. We had to answer questions like would we be willing to take a child with special needs and stuff like that....it was difficult. However, we got through it and now we have four children of our own and I actually became an OBGYN because of what we went through."

"It is really hard." I squeak out. "Sometimes, I feel like I am fighting with God. I feel like I am going against what He wants for me and I battle with that. It's hard wanting something SO bad and having the door keep closing." Tears....my heart feels like it's exploding.

"Well, since you are a believer, you know that God's timing is perfect and He is in complete control of everything." -- (Did I mention that I love this guy?)

We wrapped up the appointment and I left feeling more refreshed than I had in a long time. It's so nice having a doctor who listens, talks, and CARES about who I am and what I'm going through.

A few weeks later, it was time for my ultrasound. Again, my trusty side kick (my sister) tagged along with me to see what was going on. I got to the appointment and I met the ultrasound lady who was super nice. I got my ultrasound and low and behold......I have cysts on my ovaries. Yep, PCOS. My ovaries looked like they had holes in them. Actually, the "holes" are cysts where follicles have failed to release eggs each month. That would explain why I was not ovulating. Was I disappointed that my ovaries are cystic? Yes. Was I glad that we found out what was happening. Yes!

Dr. __________ prescribed me Metformin 500mg 3 times a day to help with my PCOS. What a drug. I've never had so many bathroom issues in my life. This medicine helps regulate sugars and insulin and it does a whole lot of other stuff apparently because at that dosage I could barely keep anything in me. Graphic...I know...but hey, it's part of the journey. I started Metformin in June. Around that time, my doctor told me that the next step would be to have an HSG, or a hysterosalpingogram. 
This is an X-ray test where the doctor puts a certain kind of catheter up the cervix and runs a dye through the catheter so that the dye can travel into the uterus and fallopian tubes to see if the tubes are open. Sounds fun, right? I was DREADING this test. I had heard that it hurt like a son of a gun and I don't like pain. I didn't want this test done. I decided I was going to take the summer and take my Metformin, try to lose weight, and have as much sex as possible to try and get pregnant. I was determined that I was not going to have this test done!!! 

Well, summer came. I took a job at my school working the summer camp program. I worked a certain number of hours each day and when I didn't work I was busy doing errands or housework. Needless to say, I didn't fit a whole lot of exercise into my daily routine. Nor did I lose a whole lot of weight. I still took the Metformin which was hit and miss with my system each day. Some days, I would be sick, sick, sick. Other days, I would be fine. The summer crept by. Matt and I still tried just about every other day and I still took my medicine but nothing was happening.  I didn't understand why I wasn't getting pregnant but I still clung to the hope that it would happen and that God would bless us. Through the summer, I will be honest and say that I really struggled with my faith. I sometimes asked the number one no-no question, "Why, God?" "Why won't you bless us with a child?" Selfishness ran all through me. Matt and I wanted a baby sooo bad. We'd lie in bed at night and talk about baby names and which names we liked and which names would be funny. 

"I like Cameron" Matt would say. ( As in...Cam Newton....as in .....Panther's Player) 
"Umm...you know Cameron actually means, 'Crooked Nose'? (Seriously, the baby name website says so.) :-P

I got to the point where every time I would go into Target, I would HAVE to stop by the baby section. I picked out a stroller set I liked. I browsed through the baby clothes. I would gaze at the bottles longingly and try and pick out the brand I thought would be best. I read PARENT magazines and even ordered cute fabric off Etsy in case we ever have a boy. It got bad..... 

The thing that gets me the most though is that Matt wants a baby just as much as I do and I can't give one to him. Not yet anyway. He aches for a baby too. And I know he will be an AWESOME dad. One time he said to me...

"You know, at the hospital, they play a lullaby over the speakers when a baby is born....and sometimes...I wonder...will it ever be our lullaby?" 

It broke my heart when he said this. He showed me right then that he is hurting too. I haven't been on this journey alone, even if I feel that way sometimes. I learned that he needs comfort in this just as much as I do. I knew that I had to get my heart back on God's path if I was going to come out of this strong and not bitter. I knew that I would have to submit to God's will and TRUST Him.

Summer came to a close and it was time for another appointment with my new doc. Matt tagged along this time with me to see what Dr.______________ planned next. The appointment went well but of course, the thing I dreaded came up. The HSG test. "That's really the next step." He said. 

"Okay....let's do it." I said. The test was scheduled for the end of the month. I had three weeks of waiting to go. 
"You can do it." Doc said with a smile. 

August went by quickly. I wrapped up Summer Camp and got started on my classroom. I got the names of my new students and I worked and worked in my classroom. I threw myself into my work and it kept me busy enough so I didn't think about baby Ward. I didn't think much about making baby Ward either. I began to figure it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. I began thinking,  "Obviously, something aint quite right and it aint gonna happen overnight." That became my little mantra. Catchy, right?

So, school started and all went well. The test was scheduled for my SECOND day of school. I am in a small group Bible study with my pastor and some of our friends and I had asked everyone to be in prayer for us. I was really scared! Our pastor prayed with us and I felt a little better about everything.  

The day of the test, I had to leave school  a little early to make it to the hospital on time. My nerves were tore up! My stomach was in a knot and my heart was pounding. After I was checked in, I had to go to a waiting room and.....wait.....There seems to be a lot of that when you're trying to get pregnant. I was called back and was then told that Matt couldn't go back with me because a guy had actually passed out when he went back with his wife not too long ago. This kind of made my butt pucker a little bit. What the crap did he see?! So, Matt gave me a kiss and was lead to a different waiting area. Two nurses or techs or whatever they were told me about the procedure and what all would go on during it. They gave me those ridiculous gowns to change into and I was left alone. "Hmm...I could run." I thought. I decided to stay. Might as well get it over with. I changed and was told to get on this odd looking table with this odd looking machine. "I may very well be tortured on this thing" I thought and I climbed up. Dr. _________came in and asked how I was doing. 

"I might throw up." I said....half-joking.
"Oh, dear! Don't do that!" 
"I've had someone throw up on me before, no worries." Said the nurse tech lady. 

"Ah......." My stomach flipped again. 

I laid down on the table and the procedure started. It went exactly how it was explained on About.com If you can deal with your dignity going out the window, then you're fine! Just kidding. It is awkward though. The only part of the test that hurt was when they began running the dye through my tubes. I had to grip the table and focus on something but the pain lasted only seconds. It was kind of neat seeing all my inside lady parts on an X-ray screen. And guess what? All is good! My tubes are open and my baby hotel can house a baby if it ever decides to! Such a blessing! 

 After the procedure, Dr. ___________talked with Matt and me and told us that we have to take the month of September off to make sure all of the dye is out of my system. We don't want any radioactive eggs getting loose. At the end of October, he will start me on Clomid and we will see how it works out.

I will continue taking the Metformin as well. All major testing is done and other than my ovaries not spitting out eggs, everything works. The Clomid will help stimulate my ovaries so that I can release eggs. I am really really hopeful that it will all work out and that God will bless us through this process. 

The last 19 months have been crazy. There have been a lot of tears, a lot of frustration, a lot of hope, and a lot of prayer. We are still very hopeful and I am FINALLY at a place of contentment. Thank you, Lord! A friend a while back told me, "Katie, you have to be content with where you are." At the time, I didn't get what she was saying and it almost kind of offended me. I knew she meant well but I took it the wrong way. No one knows what you're going through unless they're in it with you. HOWEVER, I look back and I am like, "wow...she was right." Being content with where you are is what gives you peace through the process. If you're not content, you're a mess. And I was. I was a big fat mess. I was losing my faith which I had so strongly before, I was trying to drive a ship alone and it was sinking, God felt like He was a million miles away, and I was frustrated with life and all that it included. I was a mess. 

Through this process and all the baby bumps along the way, I have learned SO SO much. I have learned so much about my body and how it works. I have learned that I have some medical issues that I need to get taken care of. I have learned about PCOS and what can help treat it. I have learned that God will allow trouble in your life so that you can grow and so that you can grow towards Him. I know that I am on this journey for a reason. God has not placed a child in our arms for a reason. I don't know why but I am trusting Him. 

I've learned that a baby will not complete me. Having Jesus in my heart is what completes me. I have a wonderful husband and I am so blessed to have him but he is not what completes me either. My relationship with Jesus and with my Heavenly Father is what makes me complete. A baby will not make me whole and I get that now. As much as I want that little spot in my heart to be filled, I know that it will not make or break me now if it never happens naturally. I pray that if it can't happen naturally that God will bless us through adoption. 

I want to be a mommy so bad. I want to be pregnant. I want to go through labor and delivery. I want to get up during the night and change diapers. I want to pick out paint colors for a nursery. I want to pick out a crib and laugh as Matt tries to put it together. I want to snuggle with my baby and breathe in his or her scent. I want to watch Matt be a daddy. I want to kiss boo-boos and give baths and go back-to-school shopping. I want to take my child to church and watch his or her love for God grow. I want to watch my child get married and say, "Thank you, God, for sharing this child with me." See, that's the thing. I know that if and when God gives us a child, it will still be God's. He or she will belong to God and I will be responsible for caring for that child while he or she is on Earth. But one day, I will have to give him or her back. 

Parents, your children are true gifts from God. I'm sure you know this. Hug your children each and every day. Kiss them. Love them with all of your heart. And pray with me that at the end of this journey, I will have a baby bump of my own. 

Thanks for reading.

Katie 

Blessings

Whew! What a year! My husband, Matt, and I just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary on May 22nd. He and I decided that instead of gifts we would take our money and use it towards a vacation at the beach for our anniversary. While sitting on the beach, my mind began to drift back to this time last year. We were newly married and on our way to St. Lucia for our honeymoon. I had not yet moved into the apartment, Mocha was not even a thought, the house was more of a dream than a reality, and I had no idea how I was going to like being a pre-school teacher. I kind of chuckled to myself and looked over at Matt. "Isn't it crazy how far we have come in one year?" I asked. He agreed and we began talking about all that had happened in one year's time.

Jobs: Matt and I both have awesome jobs. I never knew that I could love being a pre-school teacher as much as I do. I look back on my experience as an elementary school student teacher and I know that it was by God's grace that I got through it. Nothing against elementary aged children, but pre-school is where God wants me to be and I am now fully convinced of this fact. I am in a Christian environment where I get to teach small, curious minds about all the wonders of our world and about our awesome God and his son, Jesus. The class I had this past year changed my life! No kidding! I was blessed to teach five girls and five boys. The ten students that God entrusted to me taught me more about life and love than any experience that I have had in a while. As I sit here at my desk I am glancing over at a precious picture frame that holds my class picture with my students. I am staring at ten precious faces that I will always remember. As I look at each individual face, I can mentally see that child coming into the classroom each morning. Some came in shy and quiet while others welcomed me with a huge smile and a "Hello Mrs. Ward!!!" I even had a few students who would stand at the door until I acknowledged their presence! The Lord blessed me with a unique group of kids for sure! I'll always remember how one little boy smelled of his daddy's cologne (He liked smelling nice) or how one little girl could not get a bow to stay in her head to save her life! I'll remember one little girl and the way that her eyes seemed to go right into my soul when she would smile at me and how one little boy would laugh with his whole body. My first class of students taught me patience and that a spilled dixie cup of water is actually not a big deal. I have read about 200 books this year and some of them were repeat offenders of the third or fourth degree (Where the Wild Things Are). I got to hear exciting stories of weekends filled with fun adventures and now understand that the phrase "last year" can sometimes mean "yesterday". I held some of these children when they would cry for various reasons and have doled out more princess and Spider Man Band-Aids than I can count. I'll always remember these children and I am thankful for the wonderful experience that they allowed me to have as their teacher.

Mocha: For those of you who do not know who Mocha is....wait......how could you NOT know who Mocha is?! She's one of the reasons why I get up in the morning! No...literally...she licks me until I wake up! Mocha is the pride and joy of me and Matt's life. We rescued her from the Humane Society last July and she has certainly changed our lives! She has brought us more joy than any earthly possession ever could. She wakes us up each morning with a lovely lick to the face and snuggles up to us at night as we fall asleep. (Yes, she sleeps in our bed...not my idea believe it or not) She has made a miniature daddy of Matt which has proven to me that he will be an awesome daddy to a human baby someday. In fact....he may even be a little OVER protective but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Mocha has also taught me about patience and unconditional love in the moments where I have had to throw my brand new Rainbow sandals or kitten heels in the trash because she decided to have them as a snack. Yep, she definitely taught us about being "parents" in the moment where we had to fork over our Christmas cash to the emergency vet in Columbia because she decided that raiding our stockings full of goods was a good idea. Nevertheless, we love her and she makes me smile every day if not every minute of my life.

House: This past May, Matt and I closed on our first home! We are so excited! The experience was a blessing because the seller paid the majority of the closing costs AND she had all of the repairs done to the house before we moved in. We had enough in savings to get a lot of the interior walls painted which basically made it a brand new house to us. We have enjoyed hanging pictures and art and arranging the furniture just the way we like it. It has also been wonderful having a yard for Mocha to play in. She now gets plenty of outside time whereas in the apartment, she didn't see the light of day very often. I finally feel like I can settle in and get comfortable in my home. Our old apartment was safe and cozy but I knew it wasn't "ours" and that it was not where we were supposed to be for an extended period of time. Our new home actually feels just like that...a home. I am so grateful that I have a place to call "mine" and that God wanted to bless us with this gift. How awesome!

As I reflect on all of the blessings that God has placed in my life over the past year, I am reminded of one awesome verse: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11)

This verse could not be any more relevant to my life! God has really allowed Matt and me to prosper this last year and we are so grateful for His many blessings! What an awesome God we have! Matt and I have prayed for specific things and God keeps answering our prayers left and right. It is so comforting to know that God not only has a plan but a SPECIFIC plan for my life, Matt's life, and our marriage. I know that God has great things in store for us and it is exciting to know that I don't have to worry about the timing of everything because He has already figured that out. I just need to learn to sit back, relax, and let God do His thing. I will admit that there are times when I want to have control over situations in my life but God is constantly showing me that He is the one in ultimate control because He knows what is best for me and my life. I encourage you to reflect back on this past year and find the blessings that God gave you and your family. Realizing our blessings and thanking God for them is one way that we praise Him. Have you thanked Him lately?

Completely Accepted

Have you ever felt that you just didn't belong? Perhaps you've been invited to a party where you did not know a soul except for the person who invited you. You stand in the corner like a goof sipping your drink and watching the other party-goers talk and have fun. You feel like an outsider and they are treating you like one. Maybe you've felt like an outsider in your own family. You're the so-called "black sheep" of the family and no one bothers trying to "get" you. They merely tolerate you. Unfortunately, many individuals feel unaccepted in one way or another during the course of their lives. I'm here to tell you that there is One who will always accept you. Our Heavenly Father is with you. He is always present, all-knowing, more understanding than we could ever be, and completely and totally in love with you. That's right, He LOVES you! Not only does He accept you, he LOVES you!! You may not know the Lord like you want to but that doesn't mean that He doesn't know YOU. He knows you better than you know yourself. In fact, God knew you before you were ever created. Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,before you were born I set you apart." Isn't that amazing? God knows every detail about us. He knows the good, the bad, and the ugly, and yet He completely accepts us for who we are. We have been saved by His grace through our faith in Him. God loved us so much that He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for our sins so that we could one day be with Him instead of in the pits of Hell. Take a minute to think about that. It is completely humbling for me.

Sadly, many of us struggle with the idea that God loves us just the way we are. We live in a world where we are often not even tolerated because of who we are, much less loved. Some individuals come from families that don't always appreciate them. They are ridiculed, put down, misunderstood, or even hated by those who are supposed to love them the most. No wonder so many people have a skewed perception of what true love really is. However, God does love us no matter what color we are, what sex we are, or what sin we have just committed against Him. Some individuals think that God will love us because of the good deeds that we do. That's not exactly the case. God likes it when we do good deeds for Him but that does not affect His love for us. His love is unconditional yet individuals fail to fully understand this.

"I don't think I'm the only person who has misunderstood God's love. Most of us, to some degree, have a difficult time understanding, believing, or accepting God's absolute and unlimited love for us. The reasons we don't receive, trust, or see His love vary from one person to the next, but we all miss out because of it" (Crazy Love-Chan-53-54).

If you have a hard time accepting, believing, or understanding God's love, take into consideration these few points:

1. You have been justified: "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance..." (Romans 5:1-3).

2. You are a SAINT: Yep, a saint. You have been made holy through Christ. Therefore, live your life knowing you are serving a great God and be the saint that you can be. Of course, most of us will never be a Mother Teresa but we don't have to be. God knows our special gifts and talents and better yet, He GAVE us those special gifts and talents that we can use to glorify Him. Use your gifts wisely and give glory to God. (Ephesians 1:1 and 1Corinthians 1:1-2)

3. You have been adopted as God's child: "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will-to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves..."(Ephesians 1:4-6)

4. You are a part of Christ- When God looks at you, He does not see a wrecked person, He sees Jesus. Crazy, right? It's true! "And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised holy spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession-to the praise of his glory"(Ephesians 1:13-14). Therefore, we must believe in response to what we have heard.

5. You are Christ's Friend! Christ not only LOVES you but He considers you His friend! How awesome is that! I love this next passage: "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit-fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name" (John 15:13-16) I love this passage. It warms my heart and gives me chills. It puts tears in my eyes. Christ chose me. He CHOSE me. I have screwed up in so many ways in my lifetime but He still loves me and chooses me to be His friend. He wants to be your friend too. Christ laid down His LIFE for me!!! Some friends won't even go run an errand for you but Christ DIED for you!! How AWESOME!

Feeling accepted yet? I know I am! How great is our God. Praise God! I'll leave you with this: don't go into life being afraid of being unaccepted. You have already been accepted by our God who is so loving and awesome and He will guide your steps in life. Always remember this command: "Love each other" (John 15:17). That is the Lord's command. He loves us and in return, we are to love His people. All people. It may be hard but try this week to be an accepting child of God.



Thanks to Matt Walton for a great sermon last Sunday. The points in this blog were put together through his sermon. Come visit Trinity to experience God's presence in a special way.


Kate's Place

"The Wife of Noble Character"

Before Matt and I got married, I wanted to do some research on what the Bible said about marriage and the wife's role in a marriage. I did not have to look far. I found exactly what I needed in Proverbs 31:10-31--"Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character." I read it fast at first to get a general idea of what the text said, but I was so captivated by it, that I read it again....slower that time. I took in the words and what they truly meant. I formed images in my mind of what this woman would look like and how she would perform her tasks in her daily life. If you do not own a Bible, I have the passage written below: Take it slow and really think about what it is saying.
"A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life. She selects wool
and flax and works with eager hands. She is like
the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up
while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions
for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it;
Out of her earning she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work
vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that
her trading is profitable and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands
to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city
gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes
linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over
the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idelness.
Her children arise and called her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her;
"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and the beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward
she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
_________

So, apparently, homegirl had it going on! In my mind, this woman is beautiful on the inside and on the out. She's respected, hard-working, trust-worthy, loved, independent, and faithful. Those are traits to be admired and sought after. I found myself wanting to be all of those things for Matt because he deserved them and because I want to be the best wife I can be for him.

I broke the passage down as much as I could but this is what I got out of this passage.

"She is worth far more than rubies." Alright men, if you can find a true and genuine lady who loves the Lord, she is going to be AMAZING! Bottom line. Her worth as a person is so much more than some who may take pleasure in the material things in life.

"Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." -- There is trust in this marriage. A wife of noble character can be trusted by her husband with all matters...large and small. "She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." --I took this as a wife of noble character can be respected. She loves her husband and would not do anything to disgrace him or herself.

"She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls." -- A wife of noble character works hard! She is not afraid to get down and dirty. She works with her hands, cooks for her family, and does what she needs in order to provide. I mean...she gets up while it is still dark! I can't tell you the last time I did that! Especially not to make Mattie breakfast! HA! I mean...I probably should but I don't. Something to ponder I guess.

"She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard."--A wife of noble character is smart and independent. She thinks before she acts and she works hard to get what she wants. Go girl !

"When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet."--This girl has faith. She trusts in her Lord and she knows in her heart that she and her family are protected and loved by the almighty God. Yet another trait to be admired.

I got so much more out of this passage but I thought I would share a few thoughts. The author of Proverbs probably had a specific woman in mind when he wrote this passage and I bet she was one awesome woman. I love this passage because it says so much and it has depth. I strive to be a better wife each day. I pray that I'm a good wife and that I'm living my life the way that God wants me too. He allowed me to be a wife and it is a gift that I need to make the most of. I was fortunate to become a wife at an early age and I am so excited that I am married! It was one of my biggest dreams and it has come true. Why not make the most out of who I can be as a person and as a wife? With God's help and His word to guide me, I can make the necessary changes in my life to be all that I can be.
"

Married Life

Hooray for marriage! It's a time for love, growth, patience, and understanding. I just recently got married on May 22, 2010. The months leading up to the wedding were calm for the most part. I knew that I was going into something great with someone who is great. We had dated for over two years and we knew that the time to seal the deal was quickly approaching. We had no idea what married life was going to be like and yet we were not scared or apprehensive. We knew that this was what God had in His plan for us. Like the old saying goes, "When ya know...ya know." It's true! Matt and I waited on a lot of things before we got married and I think that made a big difference. We did not live together, share bills, or have sex before we got married. As my gyno put it, "How did you manage that?!" With my face beet red, I didn't know what to say. In my heart, I wanted to wait on all of those things so that Matt and I could experience them together as a union. I knew it wouldn't always be easy, and it's not, but it's new and it's just between us. Our married life is like a secret place where only he and I can go. It's a place of non-judgement, understanding, acceptance, and love. Those of you who are married probably know what I am talking about. Marriage is sacred and it's sad that not all couples think of it that way. Is marriage always easy or fun? No. Sometimes, it's just difficult or just plain hard. Yet, it's always worth it. There are times when Matt and I are completely in sync. We cook together, watch movies, joke around, laugh, play video games, or....indulge in other fun things. However, there are other times when I just want to fold some laundry or take a nap and he is bouncing off the walls like a puppy looking for the next fun thing. These are the times when it gets frustrating because it's like trying to get a child off of a sugar high. In his defense, he probably feels like he lives with an old granny sometimes because I love to sleep even if it's just a cat-nap. However, we get each other and we're learning each other. It takes time. It takes patience on both ends and it takes the wisdom of knowing that nothing is perfect, even marriage. However, marriage can have some pretty perfect moments. For instance, I was dreading coming home from work one day because the house was a complete wreck. Dishes were piled high, my dryer had apparently thrown up clothes all into our living room, and our room was a disaster. I did NOT feel like cleaning and then having to cook. However, I opened my apartment door and I literally gasped. My first thought was that someone had robbed us. The house was clean! The clothes were folded and put away, the dishes were cleaned, and our room was straightened. I looked around in disbelief and had a brief moment of hysteria because I was so happy. "My husband rocks!" is all I could say. I literally wanted to jump on the couch but I feared that I might break it. (I really should do P-90 more) He came home from work and I pounced on him like a puppy smothering him with kisses. Don't worry, he didn't mind. He showed me more love by cleaning the house and doing his part than any date we've ever had. I was absolutely in love with him simply because he helped. That's all us ladies really need. Helping out shows love, respect, and responsibility. Those are key traits in a marriage, right? Right! Of course, Matt does his part in other ways, but when he does simple things that really mean a lot, those are the times when I literally feel my heart swell for him. I get chills just knowing that he's mine and I thank God for sharing him with me. Sound cheesy? Well, it's not. It's how love is supposed to be. How God intended it to be. Every relationship is different and you may get your satisfaction in other ways from your spouse but every good deed has the basic principle in mind: love.

What God Has Prepared...

God has a unique and specific plan for each of our lives. In fact, 1 Corinthians 2:9 says "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." Isn't that an exciting thought? Our wonderful and almighty God loves us so much that He created a special plan for our lives. For me, it is humbling. I have seen God's work in action in my life over the last six months. For those of you who know me, I just recently graduated from Francis Marion University with a Bachelor's of Science degree in Elementary Education. Sounds great, right? Well, it would be....if I wanted to teach elementary school. I had an unsettling experience during my student teaching block this past semester starting in January. I went into the experience ready and willing to conquer the educational world only to be constantly knocked down by one source or another. However, my students for the most part were wonderful. I made a lot of close relationships with the kids and I saw change in one or two of them as my time at the school progressed. However, there were other factors at this school that wore my soul down to its very core. I had one person who constantly challenged every thought, every feeling, and every word I ever said. It was frustrating. I think my well-being was really shot when this person looked at me and said "If you really think you're giving this experience 100%...then this isn't the profession for you, Kate." Mind you.....I had been out for two days with a crippling stomach bug. My hurt feelings turned to anger. How dare this person tell me that this wasn't the profession for me when this was all I had dreamed about doing since I was a child! I knew that if I was going to get through this experience that I would have to toughen up...a lot. I had a close friend of mine tell me, "You've got to take your heart off your sleeve and keep it in your pocket until this experience is over." She was right. I had to stop being myself in order to deal. I had to be...cold, serious, and overly driven. During this time, I relied on family, my fiance, and God to keep me sane. My family told me over and over to just keep doing my best, my fiance told me to do what made me happy no matter what, and God was silently watching. I know that God was there...I just couldn't hear Him at times. His presence was often times missing...or maybe I just thought it was. I remember a time in February when I walked outside and looked around. The day was dreary as most winter days are. Everything was bare; much like my life at the time felt. I remember thinking that things were hopeless. I swore that I was not going to make it to graduation. I asked God to give me a sign. I thought to myself, "God, if you're there, please let the wind make that tree move." Okay, silly, I know. But, I was desperate for a sign that He was there. The tree didn't move and I know why. God doesn't like to be told what to do. He doesn't do things simply for our satisfaction. That is where faith comes in. I lacked a lot of faith during that time. I would lie awake at night with my thoughts going 100 miles a minute. My heart would often times race indicating that anxiety, my enemy, was ever-present. I honestly felt alone. I look back now and wonder if maybe that was an experience that God used to bring me closer to Him. I do know for a fact that God used that experience to tell me that the elementary world was not for me. After graduation, I decided that pre-school might be a better alternative for me. I adore small children and think that the atmosphere in a pre-school setting might be more Kate-friendly. Some members of my family blame my experience for me not wanting to teach elementary. They harbor feelings of anger and frustration towards the main person that wore me out physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. However, I see that experience as God's way of telling me "This isn't for you...at least not now." I will be teaching 4k in the fall at a Christian pre-school and that is so very exciting. In public school, it is not appropriate to mention God's name or the Bible or any of God's amazing wonders. Well, that just isn't okay with me. Why should I have to silence my love for God when He is what has kept me going all of these years? Yes, I will admit that at times, He does seem distant. However, I know that He is always there. It's me that is being distant from Him. I sometimes let life get away from me. However, I know that God is steadfast. His love is steadfast. He uses experiences in our lives to direct our paths to where we should be and my path is taking me to great places.